"The only true healing is self healing."
Chinese saying
I'm struggling with the Buteyko method and all other things I'm doing. It seems nothing is working. I feel like spider man stuck in some kind of web where the harder I work, the weaker I become.
I do believe in the old, deep wisdom of the basic Buteyko ideas that breathing less improves health. He's certainly not the first one to come up wiht this idea. It's something that human beings have been striving for for ages. I came across both the quotes in this blog on the Buteyko Center USA's website. I've been taking some excellent free seminars over at their website and can really recommend it. This method is difficult to master I can say that much. I've been doing the work for a whole year now without any health improvements, part from a little less rhinitis, but I think I've been doing it wrong. At the website I think I finally learned how to take a proper CP and mine is closer to 15 than 20 seconds. That would make sense judging from how bad I feel. It's also crushing to be at a 15 seconds CP after a year of dedicating my life to this method. I call it my Buteyko prison. I hope I'll be free from it one day and that my CP somehow miraculously will begin to rise.
"One of the goals of Indian yoga, for example Pranayama, is to breathe less. A fundamental meditation in Tibetan Buddhism, which is called Shine (Peace), train the meditator to switch from heavy to shallow breathing. Japanese samurais had another interesting tradition: they would put a feather under one's nose and breathe on it. If the feather moved, that person would be dismissed from being a samurai. Russian Orthodox Saints recommended to their disciples to reduce breathing during prayer. They believed this would bring them closer to the divine."
http://www.buteykocenterusa.com/buteyko_asthma.html#a4
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Psychosomatic Illness
"It's okay to fall short of your goals if you're doing the best that you can."
http://depression.about.com
Though I've had some successes and I've seen some real progress in my health since I began my journey so many years ago, it's generally been an uphill battle. I feel like whenever I put out one fire, another one starts right behind me. Overall, I've been failing in healing myself. I still suffer from daily, multiple, difficult and distressing symptoms. It's been over ten long, painful years of daily struggle to free myself from this suffering, and yet, none of the diets and treatments have worked. Not even the psychotherapy.
When I cured my clinical depression as a 26 year old, my migraine left my world permanently with it, even though I had done nothing to try to heal it. Or I should say, I'd tried prescription medication, acupuncture and herbs but none of it had helped me one bit. Then as my genius psychologist at the time Ursula Grönberg totally cured me from depression (in a week btw), I was automatically, effortlessly relieved of my chronic migraines as well. I was surprised in many ways, but also not at all surprised.
I had always instinctively knows there was that body mind connection for me. I remembered one of my teachers saying once that "My migraines were cured once I moved away from Argentina." His words really stuck to my mind and I knew that my situation and solution regarding migraines would have to be similar. Years later I got to experience that longed for quantum leap of healing that Deepak Chopra speaks about in his book Quantum Healing, and my migraines have not ruled my life since. Of course during these last few years I have seen the slow return of the occasional migraine attack, but it's far from the daily cloud of pain I used to live under.
Still though, as aware as I am of these processes, I've been working for years to solve the body mind connection as regards to my endometriosis and other symptoms. However, I have still not been able to find the rainbow connection again. Deepak Chopra hasn't found it either. Meditation does nothing for me and I know I'm not alone. 15 years if additional therapy has not solved it either. There is no more clinical depression to heal from. I am so sure that I somatise though. That my endometriosis and all other symptoms are expressions of inner emotional stress and sufferings that have turned into real diseases (I'm not talking hypocondria here, unfortunately...I'd LOVE for all of this to be strictly in my mind...but it's very real and measurable in laboratory tests etc). The process is all too mysterious and subconscious for me or anyone else to be able to create a system that truly cures the root problem. If I figure it out one day I'll let you all know and I'll email Deepak Chopra too. Even Buteyko it seems, as worthy of a Nobel Price as he is, can not overturn the powers of psychosomatic illness.
http://depression.about.com
Though I've had some successes and I've seen some real progress in my health since I began my journey so many years ago, it's generally been an uphill battle. I feel like whenever I put out one fire, another one starts right behind me. Overall, I've been failing in healing myself. I still suffer from daily, multiple, difficult and distressing symptoms. It's been over ten long, painful years of daily struggle to free myself from this suffering, and yet, none of the diets and treatments have worked. Not even the psychotherapy.
When I cured my clinical depression as a 26 year old, my migraine left my world permanently with it, even though I had done nothing to try to heal it. Or I should say, I'd tried prescription medication, acupuncture and herbs but none of it had helped me one bit. Then as my genius psychologist at the time Ursula Grönberg totally cured me from depression (in a week btw), I was automatically, effortlessly relieved of my chronic migraines as well. I was surprised in many ways, but also not at all surprised.
I had always instinctively knows there was that body mind connection for me. I remembered one of my teachers saying once that "My migraines were cured once I moved away from Argentina." His words really stuck to my mind and I knew that my situation and solution regarding migraines would have to be similar. Years later I got to experience that longed for quantum leap of healing that Deepak Chopra speaks about in his book Quantum Healing, and my migraines have not ruled my life since. Of course during these last few years I have seen the slow return of the occasional migraine attack, but it's far from the daily cloud of pain I used to live under.
Still though, as aware as I am of these processes, I've been working for years to solve the body mind connection as regards to my endometriosis and other symptoms. However, I have still not been able to find the rainbow connection again. Deepak Chopra hasn't found it either. Meditation does nothing for me and I know I'm not alone. 15 years if additional therapy has not solved it either. There is no more clinical depression to heal from. I am so sure that I somatise though. That my endometriosis and all other symptoms are expressions of inner emotional stress and sufferings that have turned into real diseases (I'm not talking hypocondria here, unfortunately...I'd LOVE for all of this to be strictly in my mind...but it's very real and measurable in laboratory tests etc). The process is all too mysterious and subconscious for me or anyone else to be able to create a system that truly cures the root problem. If I figure it out one day I'll let you all know and I'll email Deepak Chopra too. Even Buteyko it seems, as worthy of a Nobel Price as he is, can not overturn the powers of psychosomatic illness.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Between a rock and a hard place
I developed gout recently. It seems I have a problem with my kidneys not being able to get uric acid out of my body. So, Matt Stone from 180Degree Health suggested I try one day of fruit fasting and when I did, my gout almost disappeared. I was able to bend my fingers almost all the way the morning after my fast.
However, the next day eating protein again, the gout came back. Not able to bend the right hand fingers anymore. The problem is that I feel dreadful and dizzy when I eat only fruits, or fast in any other way, so, clearly my long term solution can't be to eat fruits only.
I can't be a vegetarian cause I can't digest any dairy protein. I can't be vegan cause I feel dizzy when I try it. I'm super allergic to all soy products but that might not even matter cause all beans and lentils have lots of purines in them too so I might as well eat animal meats...ie it wouldn't solve the uric acid problem, only dairy is low enough in purines apparently to not cause a uric acid problem. Plus, I question the long term metabolic wisdom of being vegan....So, I feel kind of stuck.
I can't be vegan or vegetarian, and I can't tolerate to eat animal protein. I guess I either have to live on no protein and risk damaging my metabolism. Or I have to continue to eat purines, live with the gout symptoms and risk ruining my kidneys. Also, I'm temporarily cutting our grains too cause they seem to make the gout worse as well, so I can't use grains as my protein source.
I've tried drinking cat's claw, nettle, and pau d'arco teas but they don't seem to help. I've tried drinking lots of lemon, some baking soda, vitamin C, saffron and strawberries after meals. Nothing.
I'm definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place.
However, the next day eating protein again, the gout came back. Not able to bend the right hand fingers anymore. The problem is that I feel dreadful and dizzy when I eat only fruits, or fast in any other way, so, clearly my long term solution can't be to eat fruits only.
I can't be a vegetarian cause I can't digest any dairy protein. I can't be vegan cause I feel dizzy when I try it. I'm super allergic to all soy products but that might not even matter cause all beans and lentils have lots of purines in them too so I might as well eat animal meats...ie it wouldn't solve the uric acid problem, only dairy is low enough in purines apparently to not cause a uric acid problem. Plus, I question the long term metabolic wisdom of being vegan....So, I feel kind of stuck.
I can't be vegan or vegetarian, and I can't tolerate to eat animal protein. I guess I either have to live on no protein and risk damaging my metabolism. Or I have to continue to eat purines, live with the gout symptoms and risk ruining my kidneys. Also, I'm temporarily cutting our grains too cause they seem to make the gout worse as well, so I can't use grains as my protein source.
I've tried drinking cat's claw, nettle, and pau d'arco teas but they don't seem to help. I've tried drinking lots of lemon, some baking soda, vitamin C, saffron and strawberries after meals. Nothing.
I'm definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
The Mosquito Lesson
So the other night a mosquito kept me awake by flying next to my ear and waking me with a loud bzzzzzz. I put on ear plugs but I could still hear the little stubborn insect flying by my ear. I knew it would be like looking for a needle in a haystack getting up trying to hunt it down, so I accepted the situation and began doing some breathing exercises (VSB and short 5 second breath holds). Come morning I was still awake doing my breath work.
As I sat up at 6 to get ready to go to my new volunteer work I figured I'd be so tired I would not be able to do a good job or even function very well that day. My CP measured at 25 seconds thanks to my all night breathing session. To my amazement and surprise I was less tired and more focused that I've been in years this day. I can only guess that it's cause my CP was "high", for me at least. Usually when I can't sleep due to my regular insomnia I'm like a walking zombie the day after, and always fall asleep for a nap later in the day. But this day all day, I was filled with energy and felt rather OK. I didn't even think to take a nap in the afternoon.
I believe now that the little mosquito had something important and valuable to teach me. I think it was a messenger to let me know that at a CP of 25 seconds, I too can feel better. :) Also, I realized that I can reach that level of CP, despite my inflammation, it just takes an amazing amount of work on my part. I read in Artour Rakhimov's "The Big Book" that the patients/students at Buteyko's Russian clinic would spend 3-4 hours per day doing breath work. And I thought I was working hard with my 1 hour total daily breath work.
As I sat up at 6 to get ready to go to my new volunteer work I figured I'd be so tired I would not be able to do a good job or even function very well that day. My CP measured at 25 seconds thanks to my all night breathing session. To my amazement and surprise I was less tired and more focused that I've been in years this day. I can only guess that it's cause my CP was "high", for me at least. Usually when I can't sleep due to my regular insomnia I'm like a walking zombie the day after, and always fall asleep for a nap later in the day. But this day all day, I was filled with energy and felt rather OK. I didn't even think to take a nap in the afternoon.
I believe now that the little mosquito had something important and valuable to teach me. I think it was a messenger to let me know that at a CP of 25 seconds, I too can feel better. :) Also, I realized that I can reach that level of CP, despite my inflammation, it just takes an amazing amount of work on my part. I read in Artour Rakhimov's "The Big Book" that the patients/students at Buteyko's Russian clinic would spend 3-4 hours per day doing breath work. And I thought I was working hard with my 1 hour total daily breath work.
A New Resolve
"Help us to appreciate our struggles and challenges as opportunities to grow"
-Prayer by Lisa Sargese
A few days ago there was some kind of transformation. I suddenly, without any apparent reason went from feeling helpless and doubtful about the Buteyko method and my prospects at ever succeeding in it, to feeling a stronger resolve than ever that I can do do this, I can make the Buteyko method work for me. I may just have to work even harder.
I then began to take control, to take back my power. I began to experiment with the different modules. I did Very Shallow Breathing VSBs only for a few days and this offered me both a little break, an opportunity to test what works for me, and it gave me the motivation back to do the four sittings per day. The VSBs were more meditative and relaxing. There was no stress on the system. However, my CP plummeted back down to 17 seconds tops. So, today I returned to MPs. I plan on keeping them relatively short, like only twice the length of the CP. I realize now that despite me feeling stuck at 20 second CP, it's a way, way, way better place to be than down at 17 seconds.
I also took a morning walk again in the rain. It felt so wonderful to meet the elements, get chilled down and feel like a human that is more connected to nature. I'm back to fighting. That's what I do best and although I don't know for sure I can succeed, since there are no guarantees in this life, but I have strong resolve and I'm ready to put in the hard work.
I also know that I'll have to work on all my inflammation. It seems that inflammation is what's preventing my CP from going up. Fixing inflammation though is easier said than done, I've tried that for the last ten years. But for now I'll just have to work like crazy to keep my CP at 20 seconds. That's where I'm at and it's worth working for.
-Prayer by Lisa Sargese
A few days ago there was some kind of transformation. I suddenly, without any apparent reason went from feeling helpless and doubtful about the Buteyko method and my prospects at ever succeeding in it, to feeling a stronger resolve than ever that I can do do this, I can make the Buteyko method work for me. I may just have to work even harder.
I then began to take control, to take back my power. I began to experiment with the different modules. I did Very Shallow Breathing VSBs only for a few days and this offered me both a little break, an opportunity to test what works for me, and it gave me the motivation back to do the four sittings per day. The VSBs were more meditative and relaxing. There was no stress on the system. However, my CP plummeted back down to 17 seconds tops. So, today I returned to MPs. I plan on keeping them relatively short, like only twice the length of the CP. I realize now that despite me feeling stuck at 20 second CP, it's a way, way, way better place to be than down at 17 seconds.
I also took a morning walk again in the rain. It felt so wonderful to meet the elements, get chilled down and feel like a human that is more connected to nature. I'm back to fighting. That's what I do best and although I don't know for sure I can succeed, since there are no guarantees in this life, but I have strong resolve and I'm ready to put in the hard work.
I also know that I'll have to work on all my inflammation. It seems that inflammation is what's preventing my CP from going up. Fixing inflammation though is easier said than done, I've tried that for the last ten years. But for now I'll just have to work like crazy to keep my CP at 20 seconds. That's where I'm at and it's worth working for.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Belly Fat, Belly Fat, What are they feeding you?
For best results; title should be hummed with the melody of Phoebe Buffet's "Smelly Cat...."
So, in dealing with my issues surrounding my belly fat I've had a lot of support from the 180DegreeHealth latest blog posts and community comments. Belly fat seems to be an inevitable part of the healing journey. It's a huge challenge for me. Not only is it hard to feel self love with a big belly like this, it's also hard practically to re-learn how to dress in a way that is reasonable comfortable and that doesn't highlight the belly. I find it very difficult to bend down if I drop something on the floor and many bends in yoga class are just super difficult to get deep into cause the body fat prevents me from bending as much as I'd like to. I guess it's a lot like being pregnant. After all I'm probably carrying about 15 pounds of suddenly added weight on my belly alone. It's not easy and totally new territory for me. Having been underweight my whole life I had no idea how difficult and uncomfortable it is with a lot of extra body fat around. I also don't recognize my body as me, I don't feel like it's my body anymore. It's a very strange experience.
I also feel doubt regarding my own perceptions and what theory to trust, as I've discussed before. Cause what if I'm wrong? What is the below theory is wrong and I'll be stuck with all my health problems PLUS a big bear belly? I'll be able to tell you a year from now I guess.
The basic theory goes like this, and it's taken from a comment on the 180DegreeHealth website:
What's important to note is the sequence, and understand it.
1) Dieting makes body shed fat first. [Dieting can be cutting out carbs or fat or any other micronutrient group]
2) Body panics at food shortage, sheds lots of muscle tissue and slows down metabolism
3) Body primes itself for restoring fat levels for safety
4) Stop dieting, body fat returns first, mostly in the abdomen where it's most needed to fuel vital organs during famine
5) Body fat becomes plentiful, body's feeling good and safe
6) Body increases metabolic rate and rebuilds lost muscle tissue
7) Body fat levels decrease
Hopefully this is correct and I'll heal over time and also get a body that is more cooperative and easier to dress and love. lol....
As a side note, I never dieted to loose weight, I dieted to try to get rid of candida. I didn't get rid of candida, but instead I now gained weight as a result of the low carb diet. I didn't even realize it was low in calories and I didn't loose weight on it, I was just always too thin and I guess my body was just lacking in the carb area and that was enough to activate the metabolic syndrome and starvation situation.....
So, in dealing with my issues surrounding my belly fat I've had a lot of support from the 180DegreeHealth latest blog posts and community comments. Belly fat seems to be an inevitable part of the healing journey. It's a huge challenge for me. Not only is it hard to feel self love with a big belly like this, it's also hard practically to re-learn how to dress in a way that is reasonable comfortable and that doesn't highlight the belly. I find it very difficult to bend down if I drop something on the floor and many bends in yoga class are just super difficult to get deep into cause the body fat prevents me from bending as much as I'd like to. I guess it's a lot like being pregnant. After all I'm probably carrying about 15 pounds of suddenly added weight on my belly alone. It's not easy and totally new territory for me. Having been underweight my whole life I had no idea how difficult and uncomfortable it is with a lot of extra body fat around. I also don't recognize my body as me, I don't feel like it's my body anymore. It's a very strange experience.
I also feel doubt regarding my own perceptions and what theory to trust, as I've discussed before. Cause what if I'm wrong? What is the below theory is wrong and I'll be stuck with all my health problems PLUS a big bear belly? I'll be able to tell you a year from now I guess.
The basic theory goes like this, and it's taken from a comment on the 180DegreeHealth website:
What's important to note is the sequence, and understand it.
1) Dieting makes body shed fat first. [Dieting can be cutting out carbs or fat or any other micronutrient group]
2) Body panics at food shortage, sheds lots of muscle tissue and slows down metabolism
3) Body primes itself for restoring fat levels for safety
4) Stop dieting, body fat returns first, mostly in the abdomen where it's most needed to fuel vital organs during famine
5) Body fat becomes plentiful, body's feeling good and safe
6) Body increases metabolic rate and rebuilds lost muscle tissue
7) Body fat levels decrease
Hopefully this is correct and I'll heal over time and also get a body that is more cooperative and easier to dress and love. lol....
As a side note, I never dieted to loose weight, I dieted to try to get rid of candida. I didn't get rid of candida, but instead I now gained weight as a result of the low carb diet. I didn't even realize it was low in calories and I didn't loose weight on it, I was just always too thin and I guess my body was just lacking in the carb area and that was enough to activate the metabolic syndrome and starvation situation.....
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
CP of Traditional/Native/Primitive People
So, I finally found my reference to my theory that primitive people must have had one minute Control Pauses in "The Big Book" by Russian Buteyko teacher and writer Artour Rakhimov. I thought so since Weston A Price wrote that the children he saw with crooked teeth all were mouth breathers, and George Catlin said it was common practice to nose breathe among the native American people he visited. It turns out I was right in guessing primitive/native/traditional people had a high CP, but it's always good to have it confirmed by a specialist source such as Artour Rakhimov's Big Book. If only Weston A Price had known about the CP back in the 1930s, he could have included it in his great and widely spread work "Nutrition and Physical Degeneration", but it would be 20 more years before the CP was invented by Dr Buteyko. Below is the list of CPs that includes traditional/native/primitive people.
0 s - death
1-5 s - very sick (usually hospitalised) people
5-30 s - modern population burdened with chronic degenerative conditions
40-60 s - few contemporary people and people living about a century ago
1-3 minutes - primitive people
3-10 minutes - hatha yoga masters and many hibernating animals
2-150 minutes - diving animals (including aquatic mammals, such as whales and seals) and all creatures and animals
living from 5 to .5 billion years ago.
-page 265 The Big Book by Artour Rakhimov
I've been reading parts of Artour Rakhimov's fantastic book on the Buteyko Method. It's a long book so I'm still working on it, but it's the best resource out there in my opinion. It really describes the Buteyko method is deep detail and it's very instructional and helpful in every way. I read it when I need to motivate myself to do the daily exercises. I learned that in Buteyko's clinic patients would sometimes practice for 3-4 hours per day and sometimes every hour. It makes my four 30 minute sittings seem easy. lol. Artour is a great help to the Buteyko breathing community including myself.
0 s - death
1-5 s - very sick (usually hospitalised) people
5-30 s - modern population burdened with chronic degenerative conditions
40-60 s - few contemporary people and people living about a century ago
1-3 minutes - primitive people
3-10 minutes - hatha yoga masters and many hibernating animals
2-150 minutes - diving animals (including aquatic mammals, such as whales and seals) and all creatures and animals
living from 5 to .5 billion years ago.
-page 265 The Big Book by Artour Rakhimov
I've been reading parts of Artour Rakhimov's fantastic book on the Buteyko Method. It's a long book so I'm still working on it, but it's the best resource out there in my opinion. It really describes the Buteyko method is deep detail and it's very instructional and helpful in every way. I read it when I need to motivate myself to do the daily exercises. I learned that in Buteyko's clinic patients would sometimes practice for 3-4 hours per day and sometimes every hour. It makes my four 30 minute sittings seem easy. lol. Artour is a great help to the Buteyko breathing community including myself.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Yoga and PTSD
"Yoga helps regulate emotional and physiological states. It allows the body to regain its natural movement
and teaches the use of breath for self-regulation."
Below is a great article about how yoga can help against PTSD. I read a few years back that it's been shown to help people in India who suffered from PTSD from the Tsunami.
Dr Besser, who is interviewed in the article below seems to have a great and deep understanding of the paralysis of PTSD and how it's stuck in the body memory. It's worth noting that Dr Bessel himself clearly has got a narrow upper palate - just like me (judging from him having crooked teeth). I believe that the narrow palate will press on the pituitary gland in the brain causing constant inner stress. I have this problem too, as I've blogged about many times, and I'm certain it is contributing to my PTSD issues.
For me personally I am sure yoga has been helping me with my PTSD, this is why I miss my practice so much; for the mental and emotional benefits of asanas. It's the only thing I have ever know to help me sense the body mind connection and to directly strengthen it. I've never experienced any uncomfortable emotional feelings during yoga, but I have often cried by the end of class from the physical and emotional release it offers me. This is a very positive experience though of deep healing release. Though definitely socially awkward, I imagine not many people notice my emotions, and I know it's common for others to cry too after class so at least I'm not the only one.
I always said that yoga for me is more mental than it is physical (as much as I struggle in class with the physical aspect of the practice). Yoga class is the only time that I'm not stuck in my thoughts because I'm fully occupied dealing with the physical pain and discomfort of getting through the asanas. It's such a deep relief for someone who is generally stuck in her head all day long. However, as I've been blogging about lately, for the last year my physical body has not been cooperating with me enough to allow me a regular ansana practice. I was able to start my practice, but then I got my period cramps and I'm still recovering from that so I've not been able to return to class and it's so frustrating. I also still struggle with my hands hurting intensely in classes too. Not sure why it's so difficult for me to be allowed to engage in my practice. I try to think of it as pushing me towards the inner type yoga, but that is not as helpful for me. I need something really drastic to pull me out of my thoughts, meditation is not able to do that for me, only asanas can. I love that Dr Bessel is aware that meditation is not a great place to start for many with PTSD. Restorative yoga is also a closed door for me due to my breathing issues and possibly also because it's more meditative in it's nature. I know that long breath holds are very helpful in moments of fear or anxiety and it even helps me with anger issues.
To try to further my breath work and perhaps increase my physical strength too, I joined a swimming pool today after I finally found a salt water one (no chlorine for me). Hopefully lap-diving will help me get to a point where I can finally get back to my asana practice and even get a higher CP. When diving with dolphins this spring for 30 minutes my CP shot up to 35 seconds a few hours later. So, again here's to hoping. I'm all about hoping. :)
http://www.traumacenter.org/clients/MagInside.Su09.p12-13.pdf
"the job of the Yoga teacher is to help people to feel safe in every aspect of their self-experience. "
This is why it's extra painful when some teachers use the class to grope students as has happened to me and I know others too. There is no safe place, never time to be naive about the real world, but we can all work on getting stronger so that we can handle the difficulties in life better. Yoga does help us get stronger for sure.
and teaches the use of breath for self-regulation."
Below is a great article about how yoga can help against PTSD. I read a few years back that it's been shown to help people in India who suffered from PTSD from the Tsunami.
Dr Besser, who is interviewed in the article below seems to have a great and deep understanding of the paralysis of PTSD and how it's stuck in the body memory. It's worth noting that Dr Bessel himself clearly has got a narrow upper palate - just like me (judging from him having crooked teeth). I believe that the narrow palate will press on the pituitary gland in the brain causing constant inner stress. I have this problem too, as I've blogged about many times, and I'm certain it is contributing to my PTSD issues.
For me personally I am sure yoga has been helping me with my PTSD, this is why I miss my practice so much; for the mental and emotional benefits of asanas. It's the only thing I have ever know to help me sense the body mind connection and to directly strengthen it. I've never experienced any uncomfortable emotional feelings during yoga, but I have often cried by the end of class from the physical and emotional release it offers me. This is a very positive experience though of deep healing release. Though definitely socially awkward, I imagine not many people notice my emotions, and I know it's common for others to cry too after class so at least I'm not the only one.
I always said that yoga for me is more mental than it is physical (as much as I struggle in class with the physical aspect of the practice). Yoga class is the only time that I'm not stuck in my thoughts because I'm fully occupied dealing with the physical pain and discomfort of getting through the asanas. It's such a deep relief for someone who is generally stuck in her head all day long. However, as I've been blogging about lately, for the last year my physical body has not been cooperating with me enough to allow me a regular ansana practice. I was able to start my practice, but then I got my period cramps and I'm still recovering from that so I've not been able to return to class and it's so frustrating. I also still struggle with my hands hurting intensely in classes too. Not sure why it's so difficult for me to be allowed to engage in my practice. I try to think of it as pushing me towards the inner type yoga, but that is not as helpful for me. I need something really drastic to pull me out of my thoughts, meditation is not able to do that for me, only asanas can. I love that Dr Bessel is aware that meditation is not a great place to start for many with PTSD. Restorative yoga is also a closed door for me due to my breathing issues and possibly also because it's more meditative in it's nature. I know that long breath holds are very helpful in moments of fear or anxiety and it even helps me with anger issues.
To try to further my breath work and perhaps increase my physical strength too, I joined a swimming pool today after I finally found a salt water one (no chlorine for me). Hopefully lap-diving will help me get to a point where I can finally get back to my asana practice and even get a higher CP. When diving with dolphins this spring for 30 minutes my CP shot up to 35 seconds a few hours later. So, again here's to hoping. I'm all about hoping. :)
http://www.traumacenter.org/clients/MagInside.Su09.p12-13.pdf
"the job of the Yoga teacher is to help people to feel safe in every aspect of their self-experience. "
This is why it's extra painful when some teachers use the class to grope students as has happened to me and I know others too. There is no safe place, never time to be naive about the real world, but we can all work on getting stronger so that we can handle the difficulties in life better. Yoga does help us get stronger for sure.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Crisis of Faith
My issues about my weight have less to do with patience or vanity and more to do with faith. If I knew with some certainty that RRARF would work for me, then I'd be much more relaxed and able to stick with it for the long run. I'm a very stubborn person as evidenced by my recent three year low carb stunt, doing the full program despite feeling like a bloated, nauseous wreck every day of those years.
With RRARF we're treading new waters here together. No one knows. Never has there been a double blinded study to confirm that RRARF helps people with Endometriosis and other inflammatory conditions. That's the kicker. I'm just guessing. I'm just hoping. I'm just going on blind faith. Pair that with other recent failures of mine...low carb just being one of them....and I definitely have doubt. How could I not? It would be illogical not to doubt. However, I know that I also have reason to trust myself, and my perceptions and right now I'm putting my bets on the 180DegreeHealth ideas. It seems solid and basic and simple. Not easy to live through, but simple.
So, it's not that I am not able to handle the pressure of feeling sick and looking dreadful. I'm ok with all of that if I feel filled with faith in my own decisions. That's where the problems are for me though. I'm scared. Super scared that I'm in for yet another disappointment and that I'll have been fat and perhaps not able to get out of it, perhaps getting even more sick from it.....Just as what happened with my low carb experiment. It's not easy to be rational and logical when one is sick and pressured and have just come out of having made some seriously bad choices in health and diet. I'm just wanting to be clear that I'm not being vain or impatient, I'm scared and I'm doubting my own perceptions.
I realized this morning though that despite many mistakes, I've make more correct choices than wrong once. The evidence is in my health. As many symptoms as I struggle with on a daily basis, I have to keep reminding myself where I came from; the 24/7 hell of chronic pain that was my life. I'm 85% better today than I was only a few years back. That's thanks to me making good choices. I did it without surgeries, hormone treatments, chemo meds, and even pain meds. I did it in a 100% natural, sustainable, long term stable, environmentally conscious way, and I made all the choices on my own. I walked that road. I think it's safe to say that I can trust my perceptions. I also know that a lot of intelligent, wise and well educated people with generally good perceptions also fell for the low carb ideas. I'm not the only one doing this mistake and it shouldn't mean all my future choices are doomed to be mistakes or to be mistrusted. I feel strengthened by this thought. I realize that I do have good perceptions and I do believe in RRARF. I just sometimes freak out about it when things are not going smoothly...I've been on RRARF for 5 months now and although the weight gain has plateaued, I'm still plus 20 pounds and pretty stuck here. I also have most of my health issues still ongoing and not improving. I know 5 months is not a long time, but it is if doubt enters the scene and it is with total uncertainty.
Fruit fasting yesterday was pretty miserable with mood swings, dizziness fatigue and diarrhea. By the end of my 24 hours I also got the bizzare symptom of uterus cramps. Have no idea how that is all connected but clearly it is. It was also annoying to have to keep eating all the time and that disturbed my breathing schedule. My CP was not improved and I was not able to do long MP breath holds. I also got really fed up with the sweet taste of fruits and I had to force myself to eat more of them due to my hunger.
I think my mind was more clear this morning than it's been in a long time though. I wrote early in my diary that "fruit fasting was not a hit for me but perhaps it had some value?" And it sure did; as I slowly began waking up at 5 am I was first struck by the fact that I had slept through the night without having to go up to the bathroom, so for sure my sleep was improved, no insomnia, no excessive urination. Then I realized that I was able to close the fingers on my right hand almost all the way to make a fist. I was also able to hold a pen with a normal grip immediately upon waking. This is the first time that's happened since I got my gout symptoms this summer. I also felt that my TMJ was much less intense. My jaw was almost able to relax. Not sure if uric acid causes muscle tension or not, but clearly the fruit fast came with some positives. However, it's too challenging for me to eat fruits only on any kind of regular basis. I feel pretty certain that the improvements in the gout points towards the idea that it is uric acid poisoning I suffer from and that a vegan diet is definitely good for that. However, I can't be that dizzy and awful feeling on a regular basis. I think vegetarian might work for me but I can only do that once I can tolerate dairy again. I'm slowly working on it by taking one tablespoon of raw milk per day to force my body to accept it as nutrition again and actually digest it. Hope it works. I'm glad the fruit fast is over though.
With RRARF we're treading new waters here together. No one knows. Never has there been a double blinded study to confirm that RRARF helps people with Endometriosis and other inflammatory conditions. That's the kicker. I'm just guessing. I'm just hoping. I'm just going on blind faith. Pair that with other recent failures of mine...low carb just being one of them....and I definitely have doubt. How could I not? It would be illogical not to doubt. However, I know that I also have reason to trust myself, and my perceptions and right now I'm putting my bets on the 180DegreeHealth ideas. It seems solid and basic and simple. Not easy to live through, but simple.
So, it's not that I am not able to handle the pressure of feeling sick and looking dreadful. I'm ok with all of that if I feel filled with faith in my own decisions. That's where the problems are for me though. I'm scared. Super scared that I'm in for yet another disappointment and that I'll have been fat and perhaps not able to get out of it, perhaps getting even more sick from it.....Just as what happened with my low carb experiment. It's not easy to be rational and logical when one is sick and pressured and have just come out of having made some seriously bad choices in health and diet. I'm just wanting to be clear that I'm not being vain or impatient, I'm scared and I'm doubting my own perceptions.
I realized this morning though that despite many mistakes, I've make more correct choices than wrong once. The evidence is in my health. As many symptoms as I struggle with on a daily basis, I have to keep reminding myself where I came from; the 24/7 hell of chronic pain that was my life. I'm 85% better today than I was only a few years back. That's thanks to me making good choices. I did it without surgeries, hormone treatments, chemo meds, and even pain meds. I did it in a 100% natural, sustainable, long term stable, environmentally conscious way, and I made all the choices on my own. I walked that road. I think it's safe to say that I can trust my perceptions. I also know that a lot of intelligent, wise and well educated people with generally good perceptions also fell for the low carb ideas. I'm not the only one doing this mistake and it shouldn't mean all my future choices are doomed to be mistakes or to be mistrusted. I feel strengthened by this thought. I realize that I do have good perceptions and I do believe in RRARF. I just sometimes freak out about it when things are not going smoothly...I've been on RRARF for 5 months now and although the weight gain has plateaued, I'm still plus 20 pounds and pretty stuck here. I also have most of my health issues still ongoing and not improving. I know 5 months is not a long time, but it is if doubt enters the scene and it is with total uncertainty.
Fruit fasting yesterday was pretty miserable with mood swings, dizziness fatigue and diarrhea. By the end of my 24 hours I also got the bizzare symptom of uterus cramps. Have no idea how that is all connected but clearly it is. It was also annoying to have to keep eating all the time and that disturbed my breathing schedule. My CP was not improved and I was not able to do long MP breath holds. I also got really fed up with the sweet taste of fruits and I had to force myself to eat more of them due to my hunger.
I think my mind was more clear this morning than it's been in a long time though. I wrote early in my diary that "fruit fasting was not a hit for me but perhaps it had some value?" And it sure did; as I slowly began waking up at 5 am I was first struck by the fact that I had slept through the night without having to go up to the bathroom, so for sure my sleep was improved, no insomnia, no excessive urination. Then I realized that I was able to close the fingers on my right hand almost all the way to make a fist. I was also able to hold a pen with a normal grip immediately upon waking. This is the first time that's happened since I got my gout symptoms this summer. I also felt that my TMJ was much less intense. My jaw was almost able to relax. Not sure if uric acid causes muscle tension or not, but clearly the fruit fast came with some positives. However, it's too challenging for me to eat fruits only on any kind of regular basis. I feel pretty certain that the improvements in the gout points towards the idea that it is uric acid poisoning I suffer from and that a vegan diet is definitely good for that. However, I can't be that dizzy and awful feeling on a regular basis. I think vegetarian might work for me but I can only do that once I can tolerate dairy again. I'm slowly working on it by taking one tablespoon of raw milk per day to force my body to accept it as nutrition again and actually digest it. Hope it works. I'm glad the fruit fast is over though.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Fruit Fasting
"Wisdom comes from experience,
experience comes from mistakes"
-The Courage to Heal, Ellen Bass and Laura Davis
Matt Stone from 180DegreeHealth.com writes today that:
"...ample food is only one form of sustenance that the body requires to deactivate famine chemistry, including insulin resistance. Sleep, rest, emotional health, inflammation, allergies, infection, and more are all things worthy of addressing in a comprehensive approach to shut this chemistry down and lose weight automatically "
This sounds so wise but also so overwhelming. I've got sleep problems with insomnia and I never wake up feeling rested, I've got so many emotional issues with PTSD, anxiety etc that 15 years of therapy has only begun to heal, I have chronic inflammation, multiple allergies, infections including candida, and chronic stress issues. Where does one start? How can I, a simple human figure this out on my own? No doctors can help me it seems. I have to hope that Matt's blog will give me these answers. That's all I've got. Fingers crossed it's not just another mistake. But if it is, I guess I'll have to learn from it. lol.
Today I'm trying fruit fasting for 24 hours to encourage my body to understand that it's time to burn fat, that starvation is over and it's no longer necessary to hold on to excess body fat. It's not a regular fast, it's more a fruit feast actually. I've consumed copious amounts of fruits today so far.
I'm feeling very frustrated about my body fat situation though. It's uncomfortable, distressing and causes low self worth and doubt in what I'm doing. I've been through so many rounds of failed programs and treatments it takes pure blind faith to believe in anything new at this point. Such a string of disappointments have left me doubting my own perceptions and treatment choices. That being said I guess I have to believe in something so why not this? I'm just so afraid I'll end up with another failure but also a huge beer belly on top of everything else. There is no free treatment, they all cost in energy, in pain and suffering and in mental exhaustion from being hopeful and then disappointed. I do think the theory of RRARF, ie "Eat when you're hungry, sleep when you're tired" sounds very logical and old school wise, and it even seems to be founded on medical science. Then again so did low carb in my mind. I don't know yet where this road will take me. To better or to worse health? I just hope this argument/theory is actually closer to the reality of what so many of us are going through and need to heal. There seems to be a huge acute need for a real solution out there. I am painfully aware that I'm not the only one struggling here.
As I understand it from what Matt Stone is explaining over at his blog 180DegreeHealth.com about metabolism and fat gain:
Leptin is a hormone that regulates metabolism. Leptin is stored in fat cells. When there are too few fat cells then leptin levels are low. This leads to the body thinking it should turn over to starvation mode, this slows down the thyroid which lowers basal body temperature. Now the body's metabolism is low and the body is fully trying to conserve energy and calories, making you feel tired and loosing muscle mass and building up fat stores. That's where I'm at.
The reason people who are seriously overweight, and who are obviously eating a lot of food, even too many calories, and like me have excess body fat that ought to be filled with leptin, is because they have become leptin resistant. This can be caused by eating food that is too low in nutrients, ie refined, too much fructose consumption, chronic inflammation, allergies, emotional stress etc.
This is also where I'm at. So, apparently fruit fasting short term can activate things in the body to get less leptin resistant. We'll see. I feel dizzy, unfocused, uncomfortable, and I miss eating real food. I'm so fed up with fruits now but I'm hungry and have to eat more fruit. The sweet taste is really repulsive to me now. I may not even last through 24 hours of this if I get too much headache, but I'll try. I do know that Weston A Price noted that the traditional people he investigated all had some short periods of fasting as part of their lifestyle. So long as I do what wise, healthy people have done for thousands of years successfully I feel I'm not too far off. Then again my overall health is not very robust, and perhaps a really sick person like me should not do what I'm doing? Who knows. I am running out of options. I ran out of them long ago it seems. I'm just going to keep on moving, keep on trying. I have to continue to cultivate more patience and more acceptance. I may also have to make more mistakes.
experience comes from mistakes"
-The Courage to Heal, Ellen Bass and Laura Davis
Matt Stone from 180DegreeHealth.com writes today that:
"...ample food is only one form of sustenance that the body requires to deactivate famine chemistry, including insulin resistance. Sleep, rest, emotional health, inflammation, allergies, infection, and more are all things worthy of addressing in a comprehensive approach to shut this chemistry down and lose weight automatically "
This sounds so wise but also so overwhelming. I've got sleep problems with insomnia and I never wake up feeling rested, I've got so many emotional issues with PTSD, anxiety etc that 15 years of therapy has only begun to heal, I have chronic inflammation, multiple allergies, infections including candida, and chronic stress issues. Where does one start? How can I, a simple human figure this out on my own? No doctors can help me it seems. I have to hope that Matt's blog will give me these answers. That's all I've got. Fingers crossed it's not just another mistake. But if it is, I guess I'll have to learn from it. lol.
Today I'm trying fruit fasting for 24 hours to encourage my body to understand that it's time to burn fat, that starvation is over and it's no longer necessary to hold on to excess body fat. It's not a regular fast, it's more a fruit feast actually. I've consumed copious amounts of fruits today so far.
I'm feeling very frustrated about my body fat situation though. It's uncomfortable, distressing and causes low self worth and doubt in what I'm doing. I've been through so many rounds of failed programs and treatments it takes pure blind faith to believe in anything new at this point. Such a string of disappointments have left me doubting my own perceptions and treatment choices. That being said I guess I have to believe in something so why not this? I'm just so afraid I'll end up with another failure but also a huge beer belly on top of everything else. There is no free treatment, they all cost in energy, in pain and suffering and in mental exhaustion from being hopeful and then disappointed. I do think the theory of RRARF, ie "Eat when you're hungry, sleep when you're tired" sounds very logical and old school wise, and it even seems to be founded on medical science. Then again so did low carb in my mind. I don't know yet where this road will take me. To better or to worse health? I just hope this argument/theory is actually closer to the reality of what so many of us are going through and need to heal. There seems to be a huge acute need for a real solution out there. I am painfully aware that I'm not the only one struggling here.
As I understand it from what Matt Stone is explaining over at his blog 180DegreeHealth.com about metabolism and fat gain:
Leptin is a hormone that regulates metabolism. Leptin is stored in fat cells. When there are too few fat cells then leptin levels are low. This leads to the body thinking it should turn over to starvation mode, this slows down the thyroid which lowers basal body temperature. Now the body's metabolism is low and the body is fully trying to conserve energy and calories, making you feel tired and loosing muscle mass and building up fat stores. That's where I'm at.
The reason people who are seriously overweight, and who are obviously eating a lot of food, even too many calories, and like me have excess body fat that ought to be filled with leptin, is because they have become leptin resistant. This can be caused by eating food that is too low in nutrients, ie refined, too much fructose consumption, chronic inflammation, allergies, emotional stress etc.
This is also where I'm at. So, apparently fruit fasting short term can activate things in the body to get less leptin resistant. We'll see. I feel dizzy, unfocused, uncomfortable, and I miss eating real food. I'm so fed up with fruits now but I'm hungry and have to eat more fruit. The sweet taste is really repulsive to me now. I may not even last through 24 hours of this if I get too much headache, but I'll try. I do know that Weston A Price noted that the traditional people he investigated all had some short periods of fasting as part of their lifestyle. So long as I do what wise, healthy people have done for thousands of years successfully I feel I'm not too far off. Then again my overall health is not very robust, and perhaps a really sick person like me should not do what I'm doing? Who knows. I am running out of options. I ran out of them long ago it seems. I'm just going to keep on moving, keep on trying. I have to continue to cultivate more patience and more acceptance. I may also have to make more mistakes.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Pain, Pain, Pain
"Religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there."
- a member of AA
I'm still scared of my period cramps. Every month it freaks me out how bad it gets. It's crushing me that despite ten years of working so hard every day, trying with all that I've got in my power, putting all my resources together: mental, practical, intellectual, medical, and financial, to end this pain, it's still there. Each period the pain is still above the level of what I can handle. Every single month, no matter what I do. I feel that it is evidence that everything I've ever tried was a massive failure, a waste of time and money. It's so very hard to stay psychologically resilient when the pain is so deep and unbearable and continues for so long. I know that 24 hours of period cramps is not as long as the week I used to endure. But still, with all my time and financial investments I'd hope by now, ten years into this, that I'd not have to suffer this much. I don't understand it. I thought now that I' reduced Omega 6 oils to a minimum that my inflammation would get better over time. Clearly it has not.
I know that part of this is my fault. I have not been doing my physical therapy program every day like a good girl. It's just so hard to do that program every day, it takes an hour, while still dong my three times a day Buteyko breathing exercises at 30 minutes per time and my self massages that can take even longer, not to mention that I'm supposed to do kegels every hour of every day. It's a lot to try to do each day. Sometimes I falter and can't seem to find the energy to do all of it.
I'm also trying to rebuild my life by going back to school again. I am definitely struggling to keep things together. Also, on the months that I do do my PT program every day, it's not like I don't have any pain, it's just sometimes milder.
I know that I'm doing my very best during my circumstances, and it seems my very best is far from enough. It's also possible still that I just didn't find the correct treatment for this pain yet. I'm just at an absolute loss for what else I could possibly try now. I think I've exhausted every possibility, and the one thing that did have some influence over this pain was physical therapy, it never resolved my period cramps fully though, but it can lessen the intensity. I feel that this pain brands all my effort as a failure. It's inevitably so, the pain is still there and this is the pain that has served as my strongest motivator in pursuing true health. That and the constant fear of more surgery. I just need to find the energy every day to actually do my physical therapy and my kegels, breathing exercises and self massage. It's a big undertaking, but I see no other way right now.
Then there is the contradiction of "trying too hard". I don't know where I fall on that spectrum of doing too much or too little. I just don't know the answers.
I also think that my cramps may have been made worse from me starting to take vitamin D. Not sure how yet but I know that vitamin D acts like a hormone. However I can't get off the vitamin D supplement cause it totally helps me sleep through the nights. I never want to go back to the insomnia times....Not sure how to solve this problem.
Please don't give me any advice to try things that I've already tried. If you truly know of something that you think works against period cramps I would like to know about it, but please do check the list of treatments (link below) I've already tried as nothing is more discouraging than to hear that such and such thing works when I've already exhausted it's possibilities for me. I'm especially interested in hearing about the Vitamin D connection if there is one?
List of things I've already tried.
At the end of the month when my pain arrives, I always want to analyze what might have gone wrong one month so that I could correct my mistake. At some point though it would probably be wise and beneficial to forgive myself for any and all the mistakes I may have done and instead follow the ideas of Deepak Chopra:
"Every decision you make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. I relinquish all regrets, resentments and grievances and choose a miracle."
I found this quote on this video of another person who is currently trying to figure out a way out of leukemia:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-cb9CnYH7s&feature=player_profilepage#!
- a member of AA
I'm still scared of my period cramps. Every month it freaks me out how bad it gets. It's crushing me that despite ten years of working so hard every day, trying with all that I've got in my power, putting all my resources together: mental, practical, intellectual, medical, and financial, to end this pain, it's still there. Each period the pain is still above the level of what I can handle. Every single month, no matter what I do. I feel that it is evidence that everything I've ever tried was a massive failure, a waste of time and money. It's so very hard to stay psychologically resilient when the pain is so deep and unbearable and continues for so long. I know that 24 hours of period cramps is not as long as the week I used to endure. But still, with all my time and financial investments I'd hope by now, ten years into this, that I'd not have to suffer this much. I don't understand it. I thought now that I' reduced Omega 6 oils to a minimum that my inflammation would get better over time. Clearly it has not.
I know that part of this is my fault. I have not been doing my physical therapy program every day like a good girl. It's just so hard to do that program every day, it takes an hour, while still dong my three times a day Buteyko breathing exercises at 30 minutes per time and my self massages that can take even longer, not to mention that I'm supposed to do kegels every hour of every day. It's a lot to try to do each day. Sometimes I falter and can't seem to find the energy to do all of it.
I'm also trying to rebuild my life by going back to school again. I am definitely struggling to keep things together. Also, on the months that I do do my PT program every day, it's not like I don't have any pain, it's just sometimes milder.
I know that I'm doing my very best during my circumstances, and it seems my very best is far from enough. It's also possible still that I just didn't find the correct treatment for this pain yet. I'm just at an absolute loss for what else I could possibly try now. I think I've exhausted every possibility, and the one thing that did have some influence over this pain was physical therapy, it never resolved my period cramps fully though, but it can lessen the intensity. I feel that this pain brands all my effort as a failure. It's inevitably so, the pain is still there and this is the pain that has served as my strongest motivator in pursuing true health. That and the constant fear of more surgery. I just need to find the energy every day to actually do my physical therapy and my kegels, breathing exercises and self massage. It's a big undertaking, but I see no other way right now.
Then there is the contradiction of "trying too hard". I don't know where I fall on that spectrum of doing too much or too little. I just don't know the answers.
I also think that my cramps may have been made worse from me starting to take vitamin D. Not sure how yet but I know that vitamin D acts like a hormone. However I can't get off the vitamin D supplement cause it totally helps me sleep through the nights. I never want to go back to the insomnia times....Not sure how to solve this problem.
Please don't give me any advice to try things that I've already tried. If you truly know of something that you think works against period cramps I would like to know about it, but please do check the list of treatments (link below) I've already tried as nothing is more discouraging than to hear that such and such thing works when I've already exhausted it's possibilities for me. I'm especially interested in hearing about the Vitamin D connection if there is one?
List of things I've already tried.
At the end of the month when my pain arrives, I always want to analyze what might have gone wrong one month so that I could correct my mistake. At some point though it would probably be wise and beneficial to forgive myself for any and all the mistakes I may have done and instead follow the ideas of Deepak Chopra:
"Every decision you make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. I relinquish all regrets, resentments and grievances and choose a miracle."
I found this quote on this video of another person who is currently trying to figure out a way out of leukemia:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-cb9CnYH7s&feature=player_profilepage#!
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