"My goal is to help people get some results with the minimal amount of effort, time, and thought. Many other health authors and bloggers seem to think that the average Joe is just as obsessed as they are, and that making their lives revolve completely around health stuff is perfectly acceptable. No it ain't."
The quote above was written by Matt Stone of 180 Degree Health. He's one of the very few health blogger/healer people who includes a significant focus on living life, on holding on to normalcy, on the importance of not being in a "no man's land" of health routines where you are cut off from regular society including work and a social life.
Although I still think that it's better to be in this health regime prison than to be in the prison of chronic pain, I see now that a more optimal option would be to find some sort of balance; to be able to live a somewhat normal life that includes taking good care of health, eating well, meditating sometimes, exercising sometimes, and resting but also working, playing and being a part of regular life.
I'm not even quite sure what "regular life" means anymore. It's been so long since I engaged in it. At the same time, I feel guilty to ask for so much - both health and a normal life - because I know so many others are suffering so much more than I am. However, part of what I'm doing, part of what makes my journey meaningful to me, is my grand goal of one day finding a way out of this maze, and in doing so help show the way to many others who suffer more than me. I made it out of chronic pain, can I make it all the way to living a normal life again?
Perhaps it's a sign that I am beginning to get really strong and healthy that I am able to think grandiose thoughts about having a normal life again? I'm not sure if I'm just getting "greedy", wanting more than to be free from pain but still stuck in a health routine prison? All I know is that I do want more. I want a normal life again. I know it's asking a lot, but I think that if I don't try to reach that goal, I risk being stuck here in Drill-Sergeant-iron-routine-fear-based-health-prison forever. I have been told that you have to "ask in order to receive", and I'm asking: Free me from this health prison I've ended up in, and let me live a normal life again.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Real Bodies - Real struggles
Have a look at this image that I found on Lisa Sargese's excellent health blog:
It's so similar to how my body looks or feels now. It's a new kind of body for me that I don't recognize as my own. It's very encouraging though to see an image like this. A real life other woman who's body looks similar to mine, and who -like me- falls within the range of what is considered overweight and not attractive, but who is clearly stunningly beautiful. We never get to see women's bodies looking like this in regular media and we sure need it. So many of us suffer from insulin resistance and low leptin levels and have bodies like this person's.
That being said, I don't like my new body. Not one bit. Not only because I feel this deep shame over myself, perpetuated by no one understanding why I'm not just "eating less and exercising more", but also because it's very hard to move around in this new body. It's hard and uncomfortable for example to do backbends in yoga class due to the fat folding over itself. It's hard to bend over forward if I drop something on the ground. I feel heavy and tired and none of my clothes fit. I bought a few new tops and jeans but I don't have a whole wardrobe filled with options anymore. It's a challenge this new body. However, I do believe that it's necessary to accept this weight gain in order to heal the metabolism fully.
The hard part for me is being patient. Patiently waiting for increased energy, vitality and life joy, less pain and other symptoms of poor health, and yes, ultimately patently waiting for less excess body fat. I'm ok to never be "thin" again, but at least I want to feel good. So far, I'm feeling bad and looking bad. I have so much faith though. It may be blind faith, but I need it. Week 33 is coming up in February. Only 4 more months to go before I reach my peak in fat gain. I guess the majority of the waiting is behind me. 6 months down, 4 more to go.
It's so similar to how my body looks or feels now. It's a new kind of body for me that I don't recognize as my own. It's very encouraging though to see an image like this. A real life other woman who's body looks similar to mine, and who -like me- falls within the range of what is considered overweight and not attractive, but who is clearly stunningly beautiful. We never get to see women's bodies looking like this in regular media and we sure need it. So many of us suffer from insulin resistance and low leptin levels and have bodies like this person's.
That being said, I don't like my new body. Not one bit. Not only because I feel this deep shame over myself, perpetuated by no one understanding why I'm not just "eating less and exercising more", but also because it's very hard to move around in this new body. It's hard and uncomfortable for example to do backbends in yoga class due to the fat folding over itself. It's hard to bend over forward if I drop something on the ground. I feel heavy and tired and none of my clothes fit. I bought a few new tops and jeans but I don't have a whole wardrobe filled with options anymore. It's a challenge this new body. However, I do believe that it's necessary to accept this weight gain in order to heal the metabolism fully.
The hard part for me is being patient. Patiently waiting for increased energy, vitality and life joy, less pain and other symptoms of poor health, and yes, ultimately patently waiting for less excess body fat. I'm ok to never be "thin" again, but at least I want to feel good. So far, I'm feeling bad and looking bad. I have so much faith though. It may be blind faith, but I need it. Week 33 is coming up in February. Only 4 more months to go before I reach my peak in fat gain. I guess the majority of the waiting is behind me. 6 months down, 4 more to go.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Om Mani Padme Hum
"May I open my heart to compassion"
For many years I've been attracted to the healing powers of mantras. I guess as a musician, vocalist and a very aurally oriented personality it was natural for me to turn to chanting.
Early on I came across the mantra Om Mani Padme Hum. If you've listened to my electronica group Techno Squirrels you'll know my love for this mantra. I decided then, about 6 years ago that when I've fully healed I'll tattoo this mantra on my arm. However, I'm still not close to being healed so the tattoo will have to wait a little longer.
I recently got in contact with the Buteyko Center USA and I got their MP3 download and spoke with Thomas Yakovlev-Fredricksen. They teach the method "slightly" differently than my previous teacher Christopher Drake. And by slightly I mean significantly. I am currently trying out their version of the Method. I still do breath holds but instead of the 80 second long Maximum Pauses I used to do, I now do 2 seconds. The experience is like night and day. The 80s MPs caused pain, discomfort, panic and tension followed by intense hyperventilation. The 2 s holds cause a sense of life slowing down, a sense that there is no hurry, and a sense of actual relaxation, something I otherwise consider myself incapable of. On top of that I get to listen to none other than the above described mantra Om Mani Padme Hum. Dr Buteyko found that this mantra reduces breathing. No wonder I was drawn to this years ago, long before I was aware of my hyperventilation. As always though, I like variation, my monkey brain is still in control here so I also listen to the following Tibetan Chants audio chanted by the Buddhist monk Lama Tashi:
I love deep notes and have been blow away with this type of chanting - I think it's called throat chanting - since I first heard it a few years back. It's deeply healing and intense and causes me to actually look forward to my breathing sessions. Also, I only have to sit in "Buteyko prison" 3 times per day now, an improvement over the 4 earlier sittings. Freeedom!!! Yay! lol. Overall this more gentle approach including mantras makes the Buteyko method more like meditation and less like torture. Also, so far no nightmarish cleansing reactions. Fingers crossed this will help me reduce my hyperventilation.
Strange enough I've felt more compassion than ever since starting to repeat this mantra. I still don't chant out loud due to my hyperventilation, but I can still repeat the mantra silently in my mind. I have also slept like a stone for the first time in years. This is both good and bad. Good cause I finally get some rest, bad cause I wake up with a CP of about 2 seconds. I always had the chance to sit up and do some breath holds before when I was awake, now I'm just out and the hyperventilation can take over fully. Hopefully it's something that will improve quickly.
For many years I've been attracted to the healing powers of mantras. I guess as a musician, vocalist and a very aurally oriented personality it was natural for me to turn to chanting.
Early on I came across the mantra Om Mani Padme Hum. If you've listened to my electronica group Techno Squirrels you'll know my love for this mantra. I decided then, about 6 years ago that when I've fully healed I'll tattoo this mantra on my arm. However, I'm still not close to being healed so the tattoo will have to wait a little longer.
I recently got in contact with the Buteyko Center USA and I got their MP3 download and spoke with Thomas Yakovlev-Fredricksen. They teach the method "slightly" differently than my previous teacher Christopher Drake. And by slightly I mean significantly. I am currently trying out their version of the Method. I still do breath holds but instead of the 80 second long Maximum Pauses I used to do, I now do 2 seconds. The experience is like night and day. The 80s MPs caused pain, discomfort, panic and tension followed by intense hyperventilation. The 2 s holds cause a sense of life slowing down, a sense that there is no hurry, and a sense of actual relaxation, something I otherwise consider myself incapable of. On top of that I get to listen to none other than the above described mantra Om Mani Padme Hum. Dr Buteyko found that this mantra reduces breathing. No wonder I was drawn to this years ago, long before I was aware of my hyperventilation. As always though, I like variation, my monkey brain is still in control here so I also listen to the following Tibetan Chants audio chanted by the Buddhist monk Lama Tashi:
I love deep notes and have been blow away with this type of chanting - I think it's called throat chanting - since I first heard it a few years back. It's deeply healing and intense and causes me to actually look forward to my breathing sessions. Also, I only have to sit in "Buteyko prison" 3 times per day now, an improvement over the 4 earlier sittings. Freeedom!!! Yay! lol. Overall this more gentle approach including mantras makes the Buteyko method more like meditation and less like torture. Also, so far no nightmarish cleansing reactions. Fingers crossed this will help me reduce my hyperventilation.
Strange enough I've felt more compassion than ever since starting to repeat this mantra. I still don't chant out loud due to my hyperventilation, but I can still repeat the mantra silently in my mind. I have also slept like a stone for the first time in years. This is both good and bad. Good cause I finally get some rest, bad cause I wake up with a CP of about 2 seconds. I always had the chance to sit up and do some breath holds before when I was awake, now I'm just out and the hyperventilation can take over fully. Hopefully it's something that will improve quickly.
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